...but that the well-informed client will want to know
Have you ever been asked an awkward question that you are unsure how to answer? Well, therapists get those all the time! So often, in fact, that I have spent time to compile my typical responses for when people are brave enough to ask. I completely understand where you are coming from–you are anxious, coming into therapy trusting me with something vulnerable. So when you ask difficult questions, such as the ones below, I am impressed–it shows me that you are invested in your therapy and the progress in our sessions. Because I know these questions can take courage to ask, I am devoting my blog today to answering them all at once.
Q: How can you help me if you have not been married/don’t have children/are not an addict, etc?
A: Fantastic question! This is one I understandably get a lot, as I’m not yet married or may not have experienced exactly what you’re going through. Here’s an analogy I love to use: A doctor does not need to have had a broken leg to know how to fix it. In last week’s post, I talked about my extensive education, research, certifications, and training I have received in order to be an experienced therapist. I have been in the middle of hundreds of marriages totalling thousands of hours of counseling; I know what works! My job is not to share personal biases or experiences from my own life (like what I have done to achieve the perfect marriage), but to be an unbiased, third party observer and use my education, research, experiences, and skills gained through counseling others to help you reach your goals.
Q: Will you respect my values and/or spiritual beliefs when they are different from your own?
A: Yes, absolutely. As a religious woman, this is something I feel very strongly about. When you come into my office, I leave my beliefs at the door and adopt your values. For example, based on personal values, I have chosen not to smoke. But if you choose to smoke marijuana on a daily basis, I am not going to tell you that’s a bad decision or that you are a terrible person! My job will be to point out if your choices are steering you away from what you are ultimately wanting. If smoking marijuana is affecting you from keeping your job, for example, then I may point out that the drug is interfering with your ability to think clearly. While I will never expect you to live according to my beliefs and quit smoking, I may advise that you be smart about when you smoke (ie. during the weekend or other times that will not interfere with your work performance). My job is to help you make the most of your life. I’m not going to project my values on you; instead, I am going to meet you where you are and we will work together to get where you want to be!
Q: Have you seen a therapist for your own issues?
A: I see a lot of therapists as clients, and many of them ask if i have “done my own work.” Without going into details about what specifically I have had to work through, yes, I have certainly invested time in self-betterment. In many of the trainings I have been through, it was required that all attendees bring a piece of personal work to process during the training. If I felt like I did not completely work through that piece by the end of the training, I sought additional resources to help me fully resolve it. In order to be the best therapist I can be, I have to do my own work. I’ve been on the other side of the couch and I can honestly say that I understand where you are coming from.
Q: Do you practice what you preach?
A: You bet I do! Well, I try. I give my clients homework–things like practicing mindfulness or self-care, watching their diet and sleeping patterns, reaching out to their social network for connection, processing/identifying their emotions, etc. And yes, I do all the same things I ask my clients to do. I am not perfect…some days I fail miserably! But I will redouble my efforts the next day–which is what I will expect of you when you fall short.
Q: Why do I feel worse than I did before I started therapy?
A: Although this is actually quite common, I can see why it would be frustrating for a new client to feel this way. In therapy, I’m going to help you work through issues you have ignored or numbed to protect yourself. Reliving difficult experiences or using coping mechanisms instead of resorting to an addiction can be uncomfortable and/or overwhelming at first. But this is good! It means there is movement where you used to be stuck. It’s a positive thing. I don’t expect it to last forever. A good analogy for this is the first time you took a new medication–did you feel some side effects before it kicked in and did its job? As you continued to take the pill, you likely began to feel more of the positive and less of the negative side effects. Therapy can be hard, but these painful “side effects” will only be temporary; the “medication” (aka the work you have put into therapy) will kick in and you will experience the satisfaction that comes from your hard work.
Q: Will you let me know when I’m done with therapy or will you prolong my sessions so I keep paying you?
A: I am sure you can think of a million things to spend your money on other than therapy, so I admire you for even considering to come see me. I always tell clients that my job is to work myself out of the job. As I said in this post, I experience such joy seeing clients progress, get healthier, and move closer towards their goals. (It is important to note that the amount of sessions required for each person and/or situation varies. There is no set time frame, but we will go at your pace until we both feel that you have fully worked through your issue.) So no, I absolutely will not “hold on” to you for monetary gain. I want you to move onto the next stage of life healthier, happier, and independently. Plus, as you “graduate” and leave counseling, that makes room for someone new. (Not to mention that I would probably get bored if I saw you forever…haha!)
Q: Why did you specialize in sex addiction and why do you like being a therapist?
A: Such a valid question. Let me just preface by explaining how I got interested in it: I was working at an agency where I saw numerous clients with signs of sex addictions. I did not have the needed skills to appropriately address or assess this piece of their treatment. I was led to seek additional training in sex addiction, and to working at an inpatient treatment center to further my knowledge, before moving into the private practice sector. I continue to see many sex addicts, male and female, in my office. Why? Because I have found that these dear people have the most tender hearts! And I find deep satisfaction helping them find their worth–they make mistakes (don’t we all?), but that does not make them bad people. I love reminding them of that!
On a more general note, I chose to be a therapist and work with couples and families because I deeply value those relationships. I absolutely love that my life’s work is helping others improve relationships I esteem so highly.
Do you have a question you would like me to answer? Click here to contact me today!
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Melissa Cluff
Melissa Cluff