No man stands so tall as when he stoops to help a child. – Abraham Lincoln
The term “toxic masculinity” has been around for decades. At its root, it is defined as the belief that masculine attributes are inherently undesirable–sometimes even evil–and that “manliness” has a negative impact on women, children, and society as a whole. The reality is that we need strong men–they are the backbone of our society and families! Where can we find them? How can we teach them? Start with the little boys who today are quietly watching their male role models, and tomorrow will grow up and mimic what they have observed. We have the responsibility to teach and guide them to combat these negative stereotypes that are being promoted in society and on social media .
There are several preventative strategies we can take to help young men avoid being poisoned by toxic masculinity. On the societal level, we can create marketing campaigns and adopt educational curriculum to change social and cultural norms around masculinity. We could offer programs that positively integrate boys and men into society. We could promote healthy relationships that are free of abuse and violence. Most importantly, we can begin in the home by educating parents:
- To create a safe and nurturing environment for their boys to grow up in.
- Boys feel emotions.
- Boys have relational and emotional needs.
We can raise our sons to be human and fight toxic masculinity by focusing on these three points. Let’s dive in!
Step 1
Create a safe and nurturing environment. This is of the utmost importance for our boys! Our homes need to be safe havens where our boys can learn, grow, explore, ask questions and make mistakes with loving figures guiding them. Research has shown that exerting dominance through physical punishments and humiliation is actually damaging. Physical punishment and humiliation techniques have long since been proven to adversely affect children, boys especially. They see violence, they do violence. This promotes the false narrative that masculinity is manifested through violence/anger. Let’s change how we parent by creating and maintaining a nurturing, safe and non-violent environment.
Step 2
Boys Feel Emotions. We need to start teaching this when they are young! There are board books, toys, puzzles, games, apps and all sorts of educational tools that describe and teach feelings to young minds. Our boys should understand that they experience a range of emotions just like their girl counterparts. They need to be able to name their feelings and know what to do with them. I recently witnessed a young boy at a friend’s home who was “feeling frustrated.” He stomped upstairs, saying he needed to take a break. He came back downstairs after a few minutes and told his sister he was sad that she was not sharing and asked her if they could take turns. I marveled at this five year-old’s ability to recognize his feelings, compose himself, and then advocate for his own needs to be met without turning to anger or aggression. Understanding feelings and emotions leads us into step three.
Step 3
Boys have relational and emotional needs too. Once boys are able to put a name to their emotions, they can then pinpoint their needs and come up with ways to meet them–just like the little five year-old in the example above. The same thing can happen with grown men! One of my clients was recently feeling unsettled with his life. As we talked, he recognized that his irritation was really about not feeling emotionally connected to his wife. Once he identified this emotional need, he was able to vocalize this to his wife, and they came up with a plan to have more meaningful non-sexual connections. In my practice and my time as a therapist, I have actually found that men crave emotional connection just as often as women. The point is, men have needs–many needs, actually. They need comfort, nurturing, validation, understanding, respect, etc. This is all part of the human experience! Once they recognize these needs, they can come up with healthy ways to get those needs met.
I would also like to add–and it may go without saying–that sometimes our sons may need professional assistance to identify and treat psychological distress. Sometimes their feelings are bigger than we, as parents, may know how to manage. Sometimes there are mental health issues at play that complicate things. There is no shame in asking for help to be the best parent we can be. This will only help your son in the long run. (Plus, we are then modeling seeing a need and helping to get it met!)
Let’s build up our boys. Let’s combat the notion of toxic masculinity by helping our sons embrace their feelings and needs so they can go on to be strong men, form good families, and build a stable society. The negative ideas of masculinity, spread by society, are stoppable. Let’s begin in the home by creating a safe, nurturing environment in which our boys can learn and feel safe. From there, we can help them identify and address their feelings and needs in healthy ways. We are raising the next generation of men; let’s raise them to be human!
Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.
References:
- Anxiety and Depression Association of America: What is Toxic Masculinity and How it Impacts Mental Health
- AZ quotes: “Strong Man”
- Brown: Unlearning Toxic Masculinity
- Cluff Counseling: SIMPLE WAYS TO STRENGTHEN THE CONNECTION WITH THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE
- New York Times: What is Toxic Masculinity?
- VeryWellMind: What is Toxic Masculinity?
- WebMD: What Is Toxic Masculinity?
