DESIGNED BY UNSPLASH
“Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” ~ Ronald Reagan
Recently, I was talking with a family member who was low-key bragging about how he and his new wife of one year “never fight.” I was a little stunned…both by this claim and also by how proud he was of it. He happily boasted that they just “never disagree with each other” and that their marriage was top-tier. I felt some sadness that he believed the absence of conflict was how one defined marital success.
TRUTH: Conflict in a relationship is not a bad thing; in fact, it is a natural thing.
To be honest, the absence of conflict in a relationship is more of a red flag to me than fighting! When I hear that couples get along perfectly all the time, I wonder what storm is brewing under the surface. This is because conflict is a natural and necessary part of every human relationship! Let me share my perspective about why we fight as well as five practical tips to put into play next time any of us start up the same old argument with our people.
TRUTH: The topic of the argument is not really what we are arguing about.
Our arguments are not actually about our spouse not taking the trash out or whatever surface-level thing that spurred the argument. At the root of every conflict is a NEED that both parties have…to be understood. That is it. The root of every argument is every individual’s need to be understood.
TRUTH: The absence of fighting does not necessarily equate to a happy relationship.
Just because a couple does not argue does not mean things are perfect. In fact, couples who reported fighting frequently in their relationship while feeling understood by their partners were just as satisfied as couples who rarely fight. It is possible to bicker/argue/fight while still feeling seen and heard in the relationship; the key to arguing better is understanding each other’s point of view. Being understood (and therefore seeking to understand) makes a pivotal difference in the efficacy of our fighting! So if a couple argues a lot, it is fine if they are doing so with the end goal of mutually understanding each other. Their overall relationship satisfaction will not be negatively affected because of their conflict.
TRUTH: The key ingredient to better arguing is understanding one another.
Seeking to understand is as simple as trying to see our partner’s perspective instead of asserting our own point of view. If we can make it our goal to understand why our partner feels the way they do, it takes the energy out of arguing. Additionally, if we can avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, more effective communication can transpire. We can give our partner the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are not careless or malicious. In fact, taking a moment to reflect on our partners’ positive traits, can highlight their inherent goodness and the many things we like about him/her. Remember we are a team with our significant other; the goal is to figure out together why we do not see eye-to-eye and find a solution. We are not alone in the relationship.
When we search for the deeper reasons for conflict, we can address core issues in our relationships, rather than focusing on surface issues like the “spilled milk”. Addressing those core issues can be a healthy outcome of conflict. Julie Schwartz Gottman, marriage counselor and expert, has said, “The absence of conflict doesn’t indicate a strong relationship–in fact, it can lead to exactly the opposite.” Healthy conflict in relationships involves open, respectful communication in order to reach a mutually agreeable solution and strengthen the bond. Here are five suggestions for how to fight better:
- Listen to understand: As I said above, the goal in conflict should be to understand one another. It is essential we actively listen to understand our partners’ perspective–even if we disagree with it! We can do this through validating their feelings/thoughts/perspective and being empathetic.
- Use words. It is essential that partners express their thoughts clearly and honestly and without resorting to blaming or attacking. I recommend using “I” statements to express feelings and needs, rather than “you” statements (which often sound accusatory).
- Problem solve: Remember the desired outcome of all conflict is NOT to “win” the argument; instead, it is to find a resolution that satisfies both partners’ needs.
- Know when to cool it: Sometimes, we need to recognize when emotions are running high and that taking a break to calm down before continuing the discussion could be beneficial. When we are fired up and angry, we are much more likely to say things we may regret. When we are calm, we operate much more rationally and can have a collected, level-headed conversation.
- Move forward together: After resolving the conflict, it is important to be able to forgive shortcomings and move forward. Counsel together to form a plan for how to forge forward together and actively continue to apply these pointers when future conflict [inevitably] arises.
I hope my readers will take heart if they find themselves in relationships with conflict. Remember the truths I have mentioned: conflict is natural and it does not mean the relationship is bad, the argument is almost always about something deeper than taking the trash out, and the way to argue better is to seek mutual understanding. Conflict can actually lead to growth, connection, and increased commitment in our relationships. If we can approach our disagreements with the goal to understand one another, we will argue better. Our conflicts can strengthen our relationships as we work to understand and to be understood when those pesky arguments inevitably pop up.
Happy fighting,
Melissa
Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.
References:
- Derr and Villarreal: Relationship Struggle Quotes | 27 Quotes on Conflict & Love
- Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology,110(2), 239.
- John Gottman “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection
- Psychology Today: 4 Things You Can’t Do When You Fight With Your Partner
- Psychology Today: 7 Ways to Make Conflict Healthy
- Psychology Today: Why Conflict Is Healthy for Relationships
