In last month’s post on relationships, I wrote about the many personal and relational benefits of sex. Sexual intimacy is important and even necessary to a healthy romantic relationship. In the early days of most relationships, creating chemistry is easy and the sex drive is strong. But it does not always last and it requires a consistent effort to keep the flame alive. Why? What happens? What gets in the way? In this post I will focus on a few of the most common hindrances to sex that I hear from my clients.
Not knowing partner’s sexual needs.
My advice to this one may seem silly… but the simple answer is to ask. In most relationships one partner has a higher sex drive than the other. If this is true in your relationship, know that you are not alone. Take some time to process your needs, before communicating them to your partner. Then patiently listen to their needs, without becoming defensive. Once you each have shared and listened, work together to come up with possible solutions.
Too busy for sex.
It is easy to get busy and let other things get in the way of our relationships. If you are a planner or a to-do list person, try scheduling time for sex. Literally put it on your to-do list or schedule so you can plan on it and prepare for it. If having a healthy sexual relationship is important to you and your partner, prioritize it. If you are the type of person that feels overwhelmed by to-do lists and sex seems like one more thing you have to do, focus on the benefits of sex (refer to Part I of this series). Think of being with your spouse as a stress-reliever, a fun activity that you can share with your partner, a hobby, something important that you make time for because it helps you face the demands of life better.
Too tired for sex.
I hear ya! Your days are long and all you want to do as it nears bedtime is hop in bed…to sleep. My advice here is simple: mix it up. Be spontaneous right after dinner, first thing in the morning, or during your lunch break. Do not wait until you are too tired to be intimate. You need energy for sex, too, so plan accordingly. (An interesting fact here is that during ejaculation men release a cocktail of brain chemicals, including the hormone prolactin…which is tied to feeling sleepy. After women orgasm, they want to be close, connect, and cuddle. In short, both men and women will likely sleep better after sex!)
Too plugged in for sex.
It is possible that you have never used this as an up-front excuse for not having sex before, but many of us are guilty of it. So often I hear clients spending their time gaming, cruising Instagram, or tweeting, while their partner sits mere feet away on their electric device. Put your phone down, set aside technology and connect with your partner. Leave your phones outside your bedroom, schedule times to turn them off, or simply put them away. Do not be so focused on your screens that you miss prime time together!
The literal physical inability to have sex can quickly snowball into an emotional roadblock. If your husband experiences impotency, it is very likely he feels inadequate–and that thought can invoke fear and anxiety during sexual intimacy. (And just in case you are thinking this issue is uncommon…according to the Cleveland Clinic, as many as 52 percent of men experience erectile dysfunction!)
Society and the media overemphasizes physical appearance. You cannot expect your husband to have a chiseled six pack, or your wife to have a perfectly flat tummy in order to be attracted to him or her. Eat a balanced diet, exercise regularly, live a healthy lifestyle, and find the natural attractiveness in your spouse. Your sexual relationship with your partner will NOT always look like what you see in Hollywood–and that is okay!
Disconnected from your spouse.
When you feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, it is often difficult to connect sexually with him or her. Couples, I work with, often observe that connected sex is better than just physical sex. Once couples are in a place that they are experiencing connected sex more regularly, they often tell me that they only want to have sex when they feel connected with each other. Although we can not fully cover emotional connection in this post, (please stay tuned for a future blog post on this important topic), communicating clearly and assertively that you feel disconnected and desire to be more connected is a powerful start to reconnecting. This is a common reason couples come see me, so please feel free to contact me!
A couple’s sex life is commonly seen as a private matter and not only can it be difficult to discuss with your partner, it can also be hard to know where to turn for help. Therapists are trained, licensed individuals who can help you communicate your concerns about your sex life with your partner, in a safe and structured setting. Set up your first session with me today and together we can overcome the barriers and help you reclaim the bedroom.
Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.
Bustle: “What Happens To The Body After Orgasm? How Women & Men Experience Post-Coital Bliss Differently, According To Science”
Cluff Counseling: “Are You Addicted to Your Phone?”
Cluff Counseling: “Choosing the Right Therapist for You”
Cluff Counseling: “Outdoor Therapy: Nature’s Cure”
Cluff Counseling: “Reclaiming the Bedroom, Part 1: Benefits of Sex”
Focus on the Family: “Emotional and Relational Barriers to Sex”
Huffington Post: “Erectile Dysfunction May Affect 1 In 4 Men Under 40 Seeking Treatment, Study Suggests”
Live Science: “Why Do Guys Get Sleepy After Sex?”
Marriage Today: “Physical Barriers to Healthy Sex”
USA Today: “How often should you have sex with your partner?”