“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” –Henry Ford
Almost all of us feel tension right now. In our country. In our communities. In our families, our groups of friends, our very households even. It’s tough. I have met with many clients, friends and family members who have spoken concerns over the upcoming holidays and how to break bread and enjoy the festive season with those they vehemently disagree with. How can this be done? Can it even be done?
My answer is yes. If you are here reading this, take heart. The fact that you care shows that you are willing to make the effort to enjoy the holidays despite the pervasive division rampant all around us right now. Let’s discuss some action steps you and I can take to make this holiday season holly and jolly with those we care about most…even if we do not see eye to eye about everything.
- Remember our love for them. In a day and age where relationships are seemingly expendable and replaceable, we must remember our why. Why do we love this person/these people? What meaningful experiences have we shared that shaped our relationship in beautiful, unique, irreplaceable ways? Let’s think about that and remind ourselves that the history we have with these people–blood or not–is special and worth fighting to preserve.
- Set some grounds! Because family gatherings would erupt into intense conflict over a certain topic, I know a family that enacted a rule that every single person had to agree to: They cannot talk about _________ at family events. Period. You could try widening the boundaries a bit–like talking about certain subjects at a given time and only amongst certain people, etc etc. If the grounds (aka. expectations) are set, then everyone can go into this holiday season with a mutual understanding of conversations that can and cannot be had. That brings peace of mind and invites participation in other topics knowing that there is a mutual understanding everyone is comfortable with.
- Listen. It is important to learn to listen to people’s views and opinions without taking it personally or getting offended. Simply listen to try to get to know the other person better, to see the world from their point of view. It is amazing what we can learn about a person when we just listen.
- Validate. As we listen, we will see where the other person/party is coming from. After that, let’s validate their experiences even if we do not agree with them. This can be done by saying, “I completely understand why/how you would think that or believe that.” Even saying, “That makes sense,” will help the other person/party feel seen and understood. Remember that it IS possible to validate someone’s perspective without agreeing with them!
- Speak from our experience. Pia Mellody is one of the experts on boundaries, and she says we must speak to be known and use what she refers to as “I statements.” An “I-statement” focuses on our own feelings and experiences and not on what we think the other person has done or failed to do/see/think. When we speak about the things we have seen, learned, heard, experienced, or lived, no one can deny that. They can, however, then speak from their experience and if both parties validate (step four!), a mutual understanding can be established–even if disagreements exist. We just have to be open that we do not know everything or have the full picture and be willing to listen (step 3).
- Find commonalities. If, at the end of steps 1-5, we still find ourselves in a divided conversation or setting, let’s resort to the things we DO agree upon: “Gee, Grandma, your pecan pie is my favorite, again! 15th year in a row!” or “Who is seeing Wicked for the second time this weekend?!” There are so many bigger things that we all DO agree upon or have interest in that we can choose to not get caught up in what we may disagree about.
- Know when to stop. There may be times when the other party seems to be looking to press an issue or argument. If we sense this is happening, it is powerful and perfectly fine to stand up and say that the agreed upon expectations (step 2) are not being met, and because we love and respect and value the person(s) with whom we are communicating (step 1), we are going to change the subject or remove ourselves if the topic persists. Knowing ourselves and stopping before we create more division is a beautiful place that we can start to heal our country, our communities, and our families.
Regardless of whether we agree on the polarizing topics all around us today, we can all play a significant role in helping to heal and better our immediate circles of influence. Let’s remember why and how much we love the people we associate with, set some boundaries for our gatherings, listen and validate them, speak using “I” statements, find commonalities, and know when to stop. If we can do these things, our gatherings can be founded upon the mutual love we feel for each other, and can be enjoyable. There truly is so much more that unites us than divides us…we just have to remember that.
Wishing all of us a wonderful kickoff to the holiday season!
Xo,
Melissa
Melissa Cluff is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist based in North Texas, providing face-to-face and telehealth therapy options to clients in Texas.
References:
- Boston University: “I” Messages or “I” Satements
- Organic Authority: 21 Holiday Quotes to Inspire Merriment and Togetherness
- Setting Functional Boundaries by Pia Mellody
