“The gifts of caring, attention, affection, appreciation, and love are some of the most precious gifts you can give, and they don’t cost you anything.” ~ Deepak Chopra
We often think we need to go to great lengths in order to please our significant other. It is not, however, necessary to bring home a bouquet of roses every night, or spend hours perfecting our physical appearance. The truth is that both women and men respond well to small, consistent acts of love that we can literally do every day, and for zero dollars. I give you…the “Triple A Checklist.”
The Triple A Checklist consists of three actions to focus on in a relationship: attention, affection, appreciation. We all need attention, affection, and the feeling of being appreciated. As human beings, we crave meaningful connection with others; it is hard-wired into our DNA. So if we can fulfill those needs for our partners, the end result will inevitably be increased relationship satisfaction for both parties…and who doesn’t want that?! Let’s look at each “A” in greater detail:
We all have millions of distractions vying for our time and attention. Giving attention means deep listening, being totally present, having empathy, and trying to see from our partner’s perspective. It means we are not in a hurry to give advice and react; not in a hurry to interrupt; not in a hurry to get back to the Bachelor or our text messages. This means putting the phone down, making eye contact with our partner, and really, really interacting with him/her. Our body language shows we are deeply listening. For those whose love language is quality time, having their partner’s full attention is incredibly meaningful and fulfilling. Giving attention in this manner can do wonders for any and all relationships!
The literal definition of affection is a gentle feeling of fondness or liking. Affection is deep caring and commitment. There are a myriad of ways to express affection–from a sincere compliment, to quality time spent together, to physical touch, and everything in between. Studies have found that the amount of affection we express to our partners best predicts our commitment; and, conversely, the amount of affection we receive from our partners best predicts our satisfaction. Just give a few more kisses throughout the day, offer a back rub or head scratch, hold hands, cuddle during a movie, or hold on to that embrace a moment longer than normal. Affection is powerful. And it can be so easy to give!
In the beginning of a relationship we appreciate everything about the other person. They seem perfect in our eyes and even those crazy things they do are somehow endearing. But after a few years of leaving the cap off the toothpaste (even after repeated requests to change this behavior), this “cute” behavior suddenly becomes deliberate disrespect. Appreciation means focusing on what they do well or what wonderful attributes they have, instead of the little things we dislike about them. Abraham Lincoln once said, “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” Appreciating the good in our partners will overshadow whatever quirks they have that we dislike. This type of appreciation is necessary to ensure relationship longevity.
Giving attention, affection, and our appreciation to our partners can do wonders to a relationship. I have seen it firsthand; these small steps can be repeated daily to communicate love and commitment to our partners. I encourage you to resolve today to do the “Triple A Checklist each day. If we give our significant other the attention he/she needs, the affection he/she longs for and the appreciation he/she deserves, the end result will undoubtedly be happiness!
(As always, should you find your relationship needs a little more work or attention, my door is wide open. Start by scheduling a session today!)
Melissa Cluff is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Lewisville, Texas, personally seeing clients in the North Dallas area.
- Cluff Counseling: “#RelationshipGoals”
- Cluff Counseling: “Adding Sex to Your Agenda”
- Cluff Counseling: “Adding Affection to Your Agenda”
- Cluff Counseling: “How to Give the Perfect Valentine’s Gift” (overview)
- Cluff Counseling: “The Leading Cause of Addiction is Not What You Think”
- Cluff Counseling: “Love Languages: The Gift of Words” (words of affirmation)
- Cluff Counseling: “Love Languages: Showing Love Through the Gift of Service” (service)
- Cluff Counseling: “Love Languages: Showing Love Through Gifts” (gifts)
- Cluff Counseling: “Love Languages: Showing Love Through the Gift of Quality Time”
- Cluff Counseling: “Reclaiming the Bedroom, Part 1: Benefits of Sex”
- Cluff Counseling: “Reclaiming the Bedroom, Part II: Hindrances to Sex”
- Cluff Counseling: “Reclaiming the Bedroom, Part III: Communication in the Bedroom”
- The Good Men Project: “The 3As In Relationship Success: Acceptance, Appreciation, Acknowledgement”
- Hello Giggles: “7 little ways to show affection to your partner, because every little bit of love counts”
- Psychology Today: “Why Affection Means Everything in a Relationship”
- Reader’s Digest: “16 Relationship Resolutions Every Couple Should Make”
- Therapy Duo: “Deepak Chopra’s Three A’s”
- Warm Wisdom Press: “How to Make a Woman Happy”